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May. 24th, 2008 @ 05:41 pm
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I don't think I write in here enough. I actually like the idea of having a 'blog' even if livejournal has a special connotation of being mostly emorific teen hipsters -- it's a good place to stay connected and open and honest about your experiences. I'm currently waiting for my brother to pick me up from my house in East Lansing, we're celebrating his graduation tomorrow with friends and family. Can you believe it? Brian has graduated college, now it's off to Pharmacy school. Talk about setting the bar high -- I'll be lucky if I do my no-future-prospects undergrad in four years. Anyway, the point is, I don't have a lot of time to write everything in detail, so I'm going to list recent happenings in unnecessarily detailed bullet points until he arrives.
-Auditions: I was actually cast in both Summer Circle (a paying acting job through the university) and Cabaret for the fall. The previous has been a roller coaster experience, and I'm mostly disappointed that I'm not loving my first job acting as much as I thought I would. I mean, I'm finally getting PAID to do what I love. Why am I not having the best time of my life?
-Staying in East Lansing for the Summer: a friend of mine got a job working for the Michigan Shakespeare Festival in Jackson, so he's moving out and I'm moving in. In exchange for my taking care of his dog? Free rent. Yeah. Dig it.
-Work: I got a job at the Wharton Center Box Office. It's actually an ideal job for me, because I can bring my laptop in and watch episodes of 30 Rock that I missed while occasionally answering phones and selling Wicked tickets. I'm also in a position to get comp tickets for the upcoming season, which includes Legally Blonde, Spring Awakening, The Color Purple AND Lion King. And yeah, I said ticketS. I prefer my bribery in chocolate form.
So I just realized that I don't really have any more information to bullet point, which is a little sad, considering I haven't really updated in over two months. It's just been a lot of work, a lot of theater, and a lot of stressing myself out. Not much has changed! |
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Feb. 26th, 2008 @ 01:39 am
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I can feel my optimism slipping from me each and every day this semester, and I don't like it. I'm a generally positive person, and by that I mean I don't like to fret over little things or allow my relationships (or lackthereof) to determine my worth as a human being, as is so common for the girls I've lived with the last two years. Sure, there are things I don't like about myself, but I don't spend every waking moment wishing I were different. I just live. I look forward to the next day, to sleeping and waking in the morning and laughing and loving.
Now, though... now I feel like these things I hold so close to my heart, these things about family friends and school that get me through the day are slowly getting out of reach. My priorities are shifting. Acting is becoming more of a frustration, a fear, than a joy. The logic of "it won't happen, so there's no point in trying" is at the forefront of my mind at all times and it's hindering everything I do. I can't tell if this is a looming, potentially permanent state of mind or just my pre-audition defensive mechanism kicking in. Once I'm through with this week, it's off to Alabama for "Spring Break" which may or may not resemble a relaxing vacation, and then a sort of "march madness" for my future performances. Summer Circle auditions. Mainstage auditions for the fall. I want so desperately to be in a Musical next year, to lose weight, to have clear skin, to sing and act and be ... a spectacle. I don't know why this intense desire to impress has taken hold of me, as if I have something I need to prove. I do, I suppose, although I'm not sure if I can properly explain it.
Is needing validation from an audience or from peers really so much better than needing it from a boyfriend? I always look down on my friends for that weakness, that sadness they let overcome them when Valentine's Day rolls around and they have to spend it alone. They remark about their single status just as much as they remark about the food on their plate. "Whatever, I can eat this, it's not as if I have anybody I need to look good for." Brilliant logic, really. So reassuring to hear from the young women of today, and yet I know I am just as guilty of it. I've lost five pounds, and I can't stop telling people. It's my "Cabaret diet" I say jokingly, though deep down I am partially serious. Of course I know that even if I were to lose five pounds a week until September, I will be nowhere near thin enough to be in this... special version of ours. So the weight loss manifests itself in a different way. Don't lose it for Cabaret, lose it for something else. Someone else. Will that make a difference? Probably not.
It's 2AM and I'm rambling. I think it has just become important for me to expel the negativity somewhere, to let it out even if it arrives in disorganized spurts. We'll see how I am in the morning. |
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I HAVE A NEW DREAM ROLE. DON'T JUDGE ME.
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Oct. 4th, 2007 @ 12:35 am
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An old classmate of mine was killed in a car accident. He was my scene partner in 101 last year. I feel kind of numb, like how I felt when Steven Crowder died. I care, but I feel like I wasn't close enough to him to allow myself to get too upset. Part of me wants to go to the funeral, part of me feels like I don't have a right to be there. I don't know.
This kind of stuff always catches you by surprise. |
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I always think to write in this, and then I finally sit myself down to do so and stare at the white box for an hour. I ultimately can't decide if having a livejournal is a good thing or an extremely unhealthy thing - sometimes I think all it does is encourage my already excessive tendency to gossip. Lately I've really been hating that about myself, the fact that I can't just shut my mouth when I don't have something positive to say. It's word vomit to the point of compulsion. I'm constantly saying things and wondering immediately afterwards why I felt so compelled to say it in the first place.
Writing tends to be the same way. I look back and think about deleting every entry, but I guess my laziness trumps desire for damage control.
I saw Evening with Rachel last night. I told her afterwards how weird it felt to be watching films so differently than I used to. Just last year I'd watch something simply out of pleasure, and now I can't help but pay attention to reactions and beats and moments between actors rather than the story. We came out of it wanting to act the same way watching Strictly Ballroom makes you want to dance, or Bend it Like Beckham makes you want to play soccer. You know what I mean. I got kind of emotional near the end of it, just thinking about how much I love doing what I'm doing, and how many stories there are to be told. Then I got to thinking about my own story (if you've seen the movie, this'll probably make more sense) and how I haven't really even put myself out there enough to make a mistake worth regretting.
Oct. 1st, 2007 @ 11:57 am
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I'm so lost. Nick's 301 class is getting on my last nerve: it's frustrating to the point of giving up. He's just such a bizarre and random teacher, who doesn't seem to have a filter between his brain and mouth... and there's absolutely no structure to the grading. After our open scenes and seeing the grades: I feel like he's decided that none of us are good enough actors to ever receive a four point, and the only way to get anywhere near it is through very noticeable, SIGNIFICANT improvement, which (and this is going to sound horribly conceited, but whatever) isn't fair to those of us who are already doing quality work. I feel like the only way to "impress" him (not that that's even my goal) is to sabatoge my initial performances and make it look like I've come far from where I started. But what's to learn from that?
Don't even get me started on Babes In Arms auditions (which are the same week Pygmalion opens). I can't pick a song, I have no idea what I'm doing, I can't tap dance, and nothing is more embarrassing than dragging myself to those tap workshops as if I even stand a chance. Oh, and I have to audition for Six Characters, too, but that's a whole 'nother issue.
Sep. 19th, 2007 @ 12:48 pm
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With 16 credits and four hours of Pygmalion rehearsals monday through saturday, I thought I might die. But now the swelling from getting my wisdom teeth out is back (after nearly four weeks) and I genuinely feel I may be on my deathbed. This is a cruel joke for the beginning of the semester. So, so cruel.
Sep. 3rd, 2007 @ 08:35 pm
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My entire morning has been dedicated to music classes. Well, two. In theory for non-majors, the TA “played” Cage’s 4 minutes 33 seconds and asked us if we thought it was music, which I didn’t and still don’t. Then he made this snarky comment about how “well, most of the people in this building would say it’s music” which made me want to break something. I guess what annoys me most about the piece is that the man is taking credit for silence, and we’re all supposed to be so amazed by his genius of forcing people to listen to the sound produced naturally around them. Yeah, like no one else ever thought of that.
If ANYTHING I’d call it abstract art. In fact, I think I can appreciate it much better than way. But it’s not music. Thoughts?
( Piano for Non Majors : initial thoughts in chat format )
Aug. 27th, 2007 @ 12:08 pm
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It is so strange the way big huge, blatantly terrible things don't really phase me, but some tiny irrelevant thing can ruin an entire week. Or I guess, in this case, show. It's tech week for The Wiz, and it's been going alright with the few exceptions due to general cruelty from the stage manager and director. Tonight was our last run before opening night (tomorrow) and it went rather well, I thought. We sat down on the stage after curtain call to receive notes, and seeing as how my character dies midway through act two, I didn't stick around for the rest of the notes since none of them could possibly pertain to me. I thought I could use the extra time to wipe off some of the horrendous make up, pluck off my fake nails and peel off my eyelashes, put away my bassoon and my music, change, and get out at the same time as everybody else for once. Once I was de-costumed I went back out to get to the pit and get the rest of my stuff together, and they were in the middle of taking cast photos. Yeah.
And I get that I shouldn't have left notes early. But I was tired, and wasn't feeling good, and wanted to get home and try to wash the insane tangles out of my hair. And I wouldn't even be surprised (if my name came up at all) if Stacy said something along the lines of: "oh well, that's her own fault!" but the fact that not one person out of the entire cast and crew thought to get me? Diana saw me go into the dressing room, but as a stage manager I'm sure it's too much to expect common courtesy like that. Not. one. person.
And then Pat Daniels, king of tact as always, sees me waiting in the wings watching them snap these photos of the cast that I apparently didn't deserve to be in even though I paid the overpriced fee just like everybody else says: "hey Michelle, you missed the pictures! hah hah... people will see the cast photos and you'll tell them you were in the Wiz and they're not going to believe you! hah hah!" Unfortunately, I had too many conflicting emotions to do what I wish I had done, which is punch him.
I guess this is just a big middle finger to everybody right now, because I know I'll be over it tomorrow. At this particular moment, however, I'm painfully aware of just how much I'm ready to be done with STC shows. Once you go to college, it's really not meant to be done. Too much whining and bitching and moaning and generally high-schoolish behavior that I'm just not into anymore. And that might sound really snotty or arrogant or whatever, but it's the truth.
Doesn't change the fact that I would have liked to have been in the photo of the cast I'm supposed to be a part of. See? The little things.
Aug. 1st, 2007 @ 11:05 pm
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CLICK HERE
Jul. 25th, 2007 @ 11:24 am
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Like a loser, I went to see Order of the Phoenix at midnight with my bfflz Jessica. We, for some reason, under estimated the power of Harry, and only got there 30 minutes early to find seats. We ended up in the fourth row, far to the right, behind the tallest jew I have ever had the displeasure of sitting behind. And I'm only calling him a jew because he had a massive fro, not 'cause I'm racist. Badum chhh. Anyway, even at the awkward angle and half the screen being covered by fro, I enjoyed it very much. Very very much. DanRad's acting wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be. Of course, my expectations were very low, so...
Yes, watching the movie reminded me of all the things in the book that I love that they had to leave out, but within the time frame, I felt they did an excellent job of crunching all the Umbridge stuff into a cleverly edited montage of evilness. I am officially in love with Imelda Staunton. I look forward to seeing it again in good seats.
What I'm trying to say is, in honor of HP opening weekend, I've decided to upload some of my favorite wizard rock for you all. Yes, you read that right, Wizard Rock. And yes, it's as awesome as it sounds. Enjoy.
1. Dumbledore's Song ... Oliver Boyd and the Remembralls
2. My Dad is Rich ... Draco and the Malfoys
3. I Have Red Hair ... Ginny and the Heartbreakers
4. Shadows By Severus ... Ginny and the Heartbreakers
5. Snape ... The Moaning Lupins
6. Draco and Harry ... The Whomping Willows
7. Snape vs. Snape ... Ministry of Magic
8. What Kind of Name is Hermione? ... The Parselmouths
9. Hey Hey Ron ... The Hermione Crookshanks Experience
10. The Wrath of Hermione ... Harry and the Potters
Will upload more upon request.
Jul. 14th, 2007 @ 06:53 pm
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This has been circulating for a while among friends, and I feel obligated to share. Other than that, there are no words. I would venture to say it ranks right up there with The Hoff's "Jump in my Car".
Jul. 11th, 2007 @ 04:59 pm
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Since it has been a good almost two months since I updated, I'm going to do my best to just bullet point my life up to now. So here it goes.
• My freshman year at MSU = AWESOME.
• No boyfriends. Stop asking. I will tell you should that change, and it won't be through my facebook relationship status.
• Got a job, finally. A cancer management center in Warren. All hospitals and medical facilities across the nation must be electronic with all of their patient files by the year 2010 and that is what I do for the summer. Take medical document, scan medical document, input medical document into computer. All. Day. $8 an hour.
• Sort of a sidebar bullet point, but Graceland/Lonestar really was a wonderful experience and I loved all the people involved, and it makes me sad that the only entry I managed to write about it was the one where I was frustrated, tired, and grieving. Pictures can be found on facebook, or via request... here.
• AP Lit students this year get to go on a Cedar Point trip. WTF.
• After much deliberation, I decided to audition for "The Wiz" at Deborah's Stage Door and was cast as Evilene. This is beyond perfect. Second rehearsal was yesterday. Details to follow.
• Teaching bassoon again for a 12 year old that looks like she's 16, and tries to act like it, too. Not to worry, $15 for a half an hour lesson when it takes the girl half that time to actually get her instrument together is fiiiine with me.
• Totally getting the Upton boys into "The Wiz" pit. Will be awesome, primarily because I, too, will be in the pit for most of the show. Again, details to follow.
• My brother turns 21 in 9 days. WEIRD.
• GOING TO CEDAR POINT IN 8! AWESOME.
• Debating hair cut/color soon. Suggestions appreciated.
• Playing Mrs. Pearce in Pygmalion this fall. Cool, but I still don't love the whole 'auditioning in the spring for the fall' thing.
• My first paycheck was $480. Also awesome.
• Recently became OBSESSED with the American Office. Best comedy on TV.
• Veronica Mars and Studio 60 were both canceled. FU NETWORKS.
• Oh, and Jorge Garcia has not commented since Graceland line memorization advice, which I took to heart. Only problem is, I have my lines on my ipod now and every once in a while it will come on when people are over. Awkward.
*****************RANDOM AND SERIOUSLY BELATED LOST RANT WITH SOME LOST SPOILERS****************************
• Lost does not come back until January. I am strangely okay with this, if for no other reason than the beauty of TV on DVD. Sayid, Jin, and Bernard were in danger and I thought to myself: if they die, I can't watch the show. And then there were the gun shots, and I was going to cry, because my stupid friend Rita was all: "Naveen is going to die, I read it somewhere" and I was all: "SHUT UP HE DOES NOT" and then I thought maybe he did, but they're all okay. And Hurley saved their lives, which may or may not have been the best moment in television history. I'm leaning towards the former. Oh, and then Charlie. Beautifully shot and acted, but I'm more upset to think of how Dom and Evangeline's relationship will suffer than I was sad for Claire. Plus? DUMBEST WAY TO DIE. He did NOT have to lock that stupid thing- and they both could have swam to the surface in time even with the thing flooding, and THAT STUPID RUSSIAN COMES BACK TO LIFE WAY TOO OFTEN. GOD. I'm ranting from memory, I haven't actually watched it since it aired.
BEST LINE: "If you say live together, die alone to me Jack, I'm going to punch you in your face."
I feel Rose and I have a special connection. Even if I'm not black, or in my 40s. Or married, or stuck on an island. It's the little things.
Jun. 28th, 2007 @ 12:26 pm
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VOTE SPARTY MOST DOMINANT MASCOT ON EARTH!!!
Ahem. Michigan ALREADY lost so all you 'maize and blue' folk need to suck it up and show some loyalty to the other Michigan school. I refuse to lose to a train.
May. 3rd, 2007 @ 09:39 pm
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| » I owe a show/end of semester update... |
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but fuck that, there's a new HP trailer.
Apr. 22nd, 2007 @ 01:42 pm
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| » I'm not this big of a bitch. I just need to vent. |
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Thanks to everyone who commented on my last entry about Brandy. I didn’t get to respond to everyone but… I hope you all know how much it meant to me. Life has gone on. My parents decided to come out to East Lansing (after picking up my brother) for Easter Sunday. We weren’t planning on doing anything, but after she died, my mom was feeling pretty emotional I guess. I appreciated it. I didn’t really want them to leave, actually. We had lots of dumb, debate-like conversations about the correct way to pronounce words, and which guy was a bigger asshole: Geraldo or Bill. It doesn’t sound like anything special, but really, the lack of special-ness was what made it so great. It was a lot like “old times” I guess.
And then Monday I got chucked back into the ring: lots of dull classes and bad cafeteria food, and long rehearsals for tech week of Graceland/Lonestar. Tonight in particular was a pretty shitty rehearsal. Jenn, the other actress in the show, is the sweetest person you will ever meet- and couldn’t be better for the role she was cast in. We’ve gotten along since day one, but I can’t help but think it wouldn’t matter if it was me or somebody else, since she’s the kind of person that would rather pretend to be your best friend than face any kind of confrontation.
See, we open tomorrow (well, dress rehearsal with an audience is tomorrow). And I- well, I fucked up tonight. I fucked up real bad. I dropped a bunch of lines near the beginning, dropped a few right near the middle, and I switched the order of a bunch right in the end, and I know that. But I’ve always been pretty good at improvising to make it work. It made sense. It wasn’t the best performance, obviously, but for a dress rehearsal, it could have been worse. We got through it without stopping or calling for a line. And for me, that was okay. I was content with it. Hell, I was proud. Jenn is not the kind of person who finds this aspect of theatre intriguing, or exciting, or anything worth being proud of. And I’ve learned this, too. We had very different processes throughout… she wrote everything down, would do exercises to find objectives and asked all sorts of technical questions about motivation for her character, and at first, I was intimidated. I felt like an ass, because, aside from being compulsively late for rehearsals, I didn’t feel that my part was nearly so complicated. A lot of it, for me, was organic talking and listening. Why did Bev ask Rootie what the hell she was talking about? Because she wanted to know what the hell she was talking about, that’s why.
I’m digressing. My point is, Jenn is the kind of person who gets hung up on all these specific things, but tries to sugar coat her approach to fixing it because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. I got a lot of: “I mean, I know it wasn’t just you, it was me, too- but we skipped a bunch of stuff. I’m not saying it’s just your fault, because I know I missed something right in here… somewhere…”
And it was all bull shit. I mean, I love her, and I still think she’s a good person and a wonderful actress, but I’m just calling it like it was. Bull shit. And it bothered me that she thought it would be appropriate to say that to me when she obviously knew, and I obviously knew, that it was all my fault. No, it was not perfect. Welcome to theatre.
So I got a little frustrated, because I could tell she was pissed at me, but she wouldn’t admit she was pissed at me which made me pissed. And then my old acting professor had sat in on rehearsals and did his whole patronizing “well sure, there are things wrong that didn’t seem organic, blah blah blah, but no use worrying about it now! HEE-YUK!” Okay, so I made up the hee-yuk part, but you get the idea. He started spouting off about how if we wanted to talk to him about our acting after the show was over, he’d be happy to sit us down and tell us what we did wrong, and I seriously wanted to shoot myself in the face. Seriously? Why the HELL would we want to sit down with you AFTER everything was all said and done and hear about why we sucked, so we can get frustrated all over again for something we have no control over? Why? The last thing I want to do after closing on Sunday is go to Nick and let him tell me everything I did wrong, just so I can spend the rest of the semester stewing in my own self-pity over a show that is OVER.
It makes me so mad. And now we’ve re-blocked the show, which wouldn’t even be a big deal if it was done, say, yesterday. I just- I feel like the show is a complete mess, and no one will say so because they don’t want to hurt our feelings, or feel like it’s too late and have completely given up on us. I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just being too emotional right now, and this is just my stress and anger talking. But it is stressful.
Apr. 11th, 2007 @ 11:19 pm
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My dog died this morning. My Dad just called, but I had far less warning than I did when my Uncle passed, or when my brother went to the hospital. Usually I can tell when there's bad news because he pauses a lot, or sighs, or there's a general tension over the phone that makes me nervous. It's been like that since I was like seven, when he walked into the family room to tell me that "Aunt Renee didn't make it."-- it's usually easy to tell when things are wrong. But this time I was sleeping, and when he called I assumed it was my alarm that I had just reset to 10:45. He said: "Oh good, you answered. I have a little bit of bad news... Brandy died this morning."
I don't want you to think he was nonchalant about it because it's... it's hard to explain. He was probably trying to be tough. My Dad loved Brandy so, so much. And I just- I have rehearsal in an hour in ten minutes. I'm tired of death before rehearsal. It is so unbelievably hard to just put that acting cap on when you know that no one knows or cares why you're not with it. It's so hard to deliver lines when all you can think about is that person, or dog, that you'll never ever see again. Once was enough for me this year.
I know it's hard to be that sympathetic to a person's loss when it's a dog. I always had trouble with it growing up. "So-and-so's Dog got hit by a car..." Well, that sucks. But it's not like y'know, my Dad died or anything. But we had that dog for 13 years. She was perfect. Never licked, never jumped, never bit anyone. Well trained and loving and perfect, and I'm pretty sure none of the family will ever have another dog like it. And now, when I see a commercial with some cute Lab in it or something, I won't be able to say "I miss my baby" without crying or something... because I can't just go home to fix that anymore.
Apr. 7th, 2007 @ 10:46 am
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